


Blue

by Not2be



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Friendship, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Self-Esteem Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, protective sides, supportive sides
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-02-09 09:31:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not2be/pseuds/Not2be
Summary: Patton is not doing well and tries to hide it from the others. Well…almost all of the others. Will his friends figure out what’s going on and be able to help? Will Patton let them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “And she finds it difficult to believe – that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying. Trying to figure out what other people need, trying to be worthy.” -Margaret Atwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “And she finds it difficult to believe – that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying. Trying to figure out what other people need, trying to be worthy.” -Margaret Atwood

It started small. Just a seed of doubt. Sure, he had been hurt a little by things the others had said in the past or when he was pushed to the side and ignored. He had dealt with his share of heart ache during the whole _Guys and Dolls_ situation. Felt occasionally guilty for being unable to move on or making a mistake that let down Thomas and the others. But all those things he was able to work through eventually, he knew his family’s intentions were always good. They just lashed out sometimes when they were frightened, insecure, or stressed. Sometimes they acted the ways they did only because they wanted what was best for everyone and he needed to be challenged or reigned in a little. He learned not to stay stuck in his own room, or in the past. He would try to remind himself he was allowed to feel what he felt for as long as he needed to. Virgil told him his feelings weren’t stupid or bad, Logan taught him that if they had happy times in the past, then it stood to reason that having them again in the future was always possible, and Roman kept his hopes and dreams stocked and burning. Thomas had friends, and passions, and a good life. And Patton was doing his best too.

But this last failure, had more sticking power. That seed of doubt started to grow. Maybe…maybe he wasn’t needed after all. Maybe even more than being useless he was actually _harmful_. He was a burden. A naïve and heavy heart got people into trouble and weighed them down.

“Just because Patton can’t let go of one person” That one had really stung. Mostly because Logan wasn’t exactly wrong, was he. None of them were.

Idiot

Trouble

Childish

Impulsive

Burden

“I just don’t want to be a bad person.” Thomas had pleaded with him. And whose fault is that.

Failure

Morality had _lied_. He was _bad._

Useless useless useless

 _Stop!_ Patton thought to himself, maybe he should tell the others what was going on with him. He remembered they had all told him he needed to be honest about his feelings but…

“You’re already such a burden do you reeeally want to put that on them too.”

Patton looked up startled “w-what are you doing here?”

The mysterious man was dressed in a dark grey t-shirt with a small emblem of a rain cloud on it, a midnight blue bomber jacket and dark blue sweatpants. His black socks had pictures of tiny umbrellas with holes in them (he wasn’t normally one for whimsy, but some level of theatricality couldn’t be helped around here).

“I’m here to help you Patton, to protect you.” Suddenly he was on the other side of Patton. He spoke slowly his voice dripping with sympathy, but there was something that felt…false about all of it.

The new side’s skin was ashen, dark circles, purple and black almost like bruises sat under his sunken down cast eyes. His hair dull and messy and his movements were slow and listless.

“Oh…I don’t know about that.” Patton looked down nervously.

“What, you don’t trust me?  Are you trying to say I don’t belong here?”

“Well no-”

“Are you saying you know better than everyone else?”

“Of course not! I-”

“Patton” the dark side purred in his ear. Patton shivered but couldn’t help how he leaned into the black gloved hand now holding his cheek. Had his room started getting darker suddenly?

“I know how you feeelll.”

“You do?” Patton looked up at the other side, a quite guilty hope in his voice.

“Yes. And I can help you. We can keep it a secret.”

“I really should tell my friends.” He played with the sleeve of his cardigan looking to the door of his room. Maybe he had spent too much time here.

“Isn’t that selfish? I mean who would that really be helping? Not them.”

“But-”

“Don’t you think they’re tired of dealing with the messes you make. They’ll hate you even more than they already do. Hiding is the best option.”

Patton bit his trembling lip hard; he was so conflicted. He wanted to be the happy pappy Patton that supported his family. He just wanted everyone to be happy, he didn’t want to be selfish. Another insidious thought that didn’t quite sound like his own chimed in: _if you’re not cheery what else do you really have to offer._

“Dealing with your own problems for a change is the least you could do to protect the others. Don’t you owe them that much?”

“Why are you saying these things to me? I-I have to go bake some cookies-”

“I’m trying to help you Patton.” _Deep down you know I’m right._

“Maybe…maybe you are right.”

“Just take a nap Patton, I’ll take care of you.”

Morality curled up on his side feeling tears slide down his face. When had he started to cry?

There was a heavy blanket around him, and he was falling into a restless sleep. Maybe he could just close his eyes for a while and everything else would melt away.

The dark side watched the vulnerable figure with a predatory smile. Suddenly a slow clap sounded as a bowler hat and a sly grin rose up to join him.

“Ah, Depression. I see you’ve already started working. Ironic, you hate working.”

“Ah miserable to see you too, by the way you really should just call me Mel, 'Depression' is so…formal”

“Whatever. _Super cool_ name by the way.” Deceit smirked tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Mm. Yes, keep up the clever insults, Dee.” He rolled his eyes, then more genuinely “I _do_ love the taste of self-loathing in the morning.” They both began to laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes:  
> Deceit won’t be such an obvious antagonist the entire story, his motivations may be fleshed out a little more.  
> It’s not super imaginative but I named depression Mel, as in melancholy.  
> The “dark” sides were a little more cartoony in this chapter, but there will be parts of this story that get pretty dark as it will deal seriously with the topics of depression, self-isolation, etc. I will try to keep the tone balanced though so there’s still light parts (banter, bad puns, comfort).  
> The other sides will show up more in the following chapters don’t worry!  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are nightmare sequences original? No. But can they be effective? We’ll see.  
> Again, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> "I, over here, keep thinking of all these things and my heart beats fast” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

They were standing in their usual positions ready for a new video. Patton loved video days! He got to see all of his favorite people, try and help, and it gave him an opportunity to watch the others use their skills and talents and be so proud of them. But today he felt...nervous. The last time they were all together like this was rough. That guilt still sat in his stomach like a led weight. He tried to stay extra focused and positive today; he couldn’t mess up again.

But he must have zoned out because he only caught snippets of what appeared to be a heated conversation. Everything felt sort of unreal like he was under water.

“As I was saying before Tim Butt-in interrupted me-”

“Both of you were saying nothing of actual importance-”

“Logan’s’ half right you need to chill dude. You’re being a LancaLOT right now.”

“You just need to smile and Sweeney Nod in agreeance!”

“Alright everyone, let’s play nice.” Ever the peace maker, he said it before he could stop himself.

They all turned to stare at Patton, he felt himself shrink back. 

“Alright. You want to know who is really the problem here? Patton.”

“Oh, Roman I love how passionate you get when we have out little disagreements.” Morality tried to laugh it off.

“No. I’m as serious as Logan’s nerdy necktie. You messed this up for us. All of us!”

“Roman-” Thomas started to argue but didn’t get a chance to finish.

“You took my dream away from me!” Roman snapped and a heavy silence fell over them.

“Roman I’m…I’m so sorry, buddy.”

“I’m not your buddy! None of us are. All you do is take! You make more work for pocket protector over here you make scare crow _more_ anxious. And you took the one thing I wanted more than anything away from me.” Roman looked at him so earnestly it made his stomach sink.

“He’s right. What does Morality really contribute?”

“Thomas I-”

“Idiot, liar, selfish, useless, failure, waste of space!” They all shouted their voices rising in a cacophony. Patton helplessly put his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut begging for it all to stop.

He awoke with a gasp to the quietness of his room.  His chest heaved painfully as he tried to take in air.

He had just about calmed himself down when the scaly trickster appeared at the end of his bed. The paternal figure jumped with a start clutching at his baby blue comforter.

“Good morning sleepy head. Miss me? I know _I missed you._ ”

“Deceit!”

“Guilty as charged.” He did a little mock bow “I bet your dreams are sickeningly sweet aren’t they? Puppy dogs, rainbows-”

“What are you doing here?”

“Alright officer bed head, not one for pleasantries then. Fine. I’m here because like it or not you require my assistance.”

“After that crazy stunt you tried to pull last time. No offense mister, but that story is more ridiculous and full of holes than a screen door on a submarine.”

“Tsk tsk tsk. I never thought you would want to be a self-righteous equestrian.”

“Hu?”

“I’m sssaying you should probably get down from that high horse of yours. Those in glass houses and all.” He twirled his hand with a flourish.

“Maybe we can stick to one metaphor at a time.” Depression chimed in rising up to join them.

“I don’t understand.”

“Of course, you don’t.” Deceit rolled his eyes and looked at his gloved hand bored.  

“You’re a sneaky Pete but you’re not gonna fool us this time, Deceit. Lying is wrong and I know that.”

“But _you_ lied?” The reptilian side feigned shock and Patton looked at him confused.

“I was the one who was honest about what Thomas really wanted. You were the one saying what you only _hoped_ to be true not what really was. And you knew it! You told Thomas as much _in court_ and yet you continued with the trial. So, what. does that. make. you?”

“A-bad lawyer?”

“Ugh!” Deceit pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. It was like pulling teeth around here with all of them.

“ _No_.”

Patton’s eyes grew wide in a horrified realization “A liar?”

“Yesss.” Patton gasped and flinched away. _Failure, bad, liar._

“Maybe you do need me around Patton. To keep you honest with yourself. To show you the truth you don’t want to believe.”

“You’re getting in the way.” Mel and Dee said in unison.

Patton felt his chest ache.

They were right.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Virgil was nervous. Which yes, wasn’t exactly news worthy. In fact, typically he’d be worried if he wasn’t worrying. Ah the joys of an over active nervous system.  But currently he wasn’t just nervous over looming due dates, botched auditions, cringingly catastrophic social fails (or the fact the world was dangerously heating up and…nope not the time). No, Virgil wasn’t just anxious; he had a building sense of dread. A creeping unease that _something_ was not…right. Virgil was hyper sensitive to changes in the mind palace, fear and anxiety were palpable to him, he could feel the shift in the air like a physical weight, or a taste at the back of his throat. 

“Uh Logan.” He rocked on his feet and looked up nervously from behind his bangs. “Do you know where Patton is?” The paternal side always knew exactly how to calm him down.

“Is he not in his room?” Logan peered up from his neatly organized desk full of various charts and graphs.

“No.”

“Hm that is peculiar. Did you require his presence for anything in particular?”

“Well I-”  

“Are you experiencing more distress than usual? Perhaps we could use a scaling question to better assess your distress. Ooh then we could establish a baseline…” Logan continued eagerly.

Virgil didn’t know exactly how to answer that. Then he thought of something, maybe the anxiety he was feeling was from one of the other sides. Maybe something was wrong with one of them and… _No, Virgil take a deep breath_ _before you catastrophize,_ he reminded himself. 

“Are you alright, Logan?” Virgil spit out in a rush.

Logan paused for a moment genuinely confused.

“Of course, I am. I’m how would you say-” He shuffled through his vocab cards.

“Gucci.”

“Hm.”

“Now are you going to continue being vague or are you actually going to let me know what’s going on?” The logical side adjusted his glasses.

“I’ll let you know when I find out more.”

“Splendid.” Logan said dryly “Wouldn’t want _logic_ to help you collect data.” He snorted and went back to his books.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

“Hey, Princey.”

“Ah, Edward Scary Hands.”

“Yikes. Aaaanyway. How are you doing?”

Roman gasped and put a hand on his chest. “Moi? Isn’t it obvious I’m dashing and daring as always!”

“And extra apparently.”

“Extra _hot_ maybe. What’s up, Fall Out Boi?”

“I’m…” He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. “Do you know where Patton is?”

Roman seemed to pause at that.

“Padre? I’m not sure. Come to think of it I haven’t seen the positive papa panda around much lately.”

Virgil groaned loudly feeling his anxiety rise.

“I’m sure he’s just off scrapbooking, making friendship bracelets or playing with glitter somewhere.” Roman tried to push away the guilt about how he had been avoiding morality lately after their latest meeting. He couldn’t help he was still a little crest fallen over the whole thing.

Virgil wanted to argue but didn’t know how much good it would do at the moment.

“Well, good luck killing a dragon witch or whatever it is you do.”

“Oh, honey I don’t need luck, I always slay!”

“Again yikes.”

“And my people don’t say good luck, we say break a leg.”

“Yeah, do that.” He mumbled as he was walking away.

“Hey! I heard that!”

///////////////////////////

“Patton.” There had been plenty of times that he had been relieved to see Patton show up but this one had to be one of the tops.

“Hey there Kiddo! How’s my adorable little dark strange son doing!?” Patton asked before he could think better of it. Realizing his mistaken he snapped his mouth shut and closed his eyes in frustration. _Bad! You’re not supposed to talk to him that way anymore, you’re going to make him feel uncomfortable. This is why you can’t be around them._ Thinking had become more difficult lately like trying to pick things up through a thick fog.

Virgil was taken back by surprise. After he had told Patton that it had made him uncomfortable to be made out to be cute and adorable all the time, he had been really good about not doing it. Virgil appreciated the effort.

“I’m sorry Virgil.”

The anxious side walked up to him and built up the courage to put his hand on his shoulder. Patton’s eyes flew open and he flinched slightly. Seeing Virgil’s surprised face, he tried to quickly cover it up with a bright smile.

“Are you uh…are you okay Patton?” Virgil asked hesitantly picking at his finger nails.

“Well of course, I’m super-duper! But you probably shouldn’t pick your nails like that Kiddo. Are you okay? Was there something you needed?” Patton’s voice softened when he asked “Did you have another panic attack? You know you can always come to me.”

Virgil swallowed thickly, _yeah but do you know you can come to us._

“Pat, would you tell us the truth if something was wrong?”

“I-” Patton opened his mouth, he could feel his heart rate speed up and his hands get tingly. He didn’t want to lie to Virgil, but he also didn’t want to worry him. God, he missed his friend so much but he also felt the urgent need to run away.

Just then the tea kettle whistled loudly from the kitchen.

“Op Well, I better go get that. Nothing like _whistling while you work_.” Patton laughed at his own joke and winked. As Patton retreated Virgil felt that vague sort of dread from earlier start to grow into something more real.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Intrusive thoughts, talk of suicide and self injury, and possible suicidal ideation. It's pretty brief and non graphic but still please be safe.  
> Depression doesn't know what he's talking about and is a lying bastard.
> 
> “I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of the throat and I’d cry for a week.” -Sylvia Plath

Wherever Patton was Depression didn’t seem to stray too far away. Mel or Deceit’s voice seemed to constantly pop into his head unbidden.

_Are you really hungry?_

“I…guess not.”

_I didn’t think so._

_What’s the point in doing anything?_

_Cover that up. Smile more, don’t let them know!_

_THEY’LL HATE YOU. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT._

_Everything’s hopeless_

_You don’t deserve to take a break you’re already useless_

_Do you really want to be selfish?_

“Please please stop! It’s too much, Stormy. It’s getting too much.”

“Ah, Patton. I know, I know it is. I also know the way you can feel better.” He beckoned Patton close until he could hold him in a full embrace. Patton shivered in his arms, feeling smaller somehow. It didn’t feel good but, it felt better than nothing. It was familiar at this point. Mel's arms wrapped around him tighter.

//////////////////////////////

“Ah, Virgil, You’re back.”

“Logan, I thinksomthigniswrongwithpattonandidontknowwhattodoorhowtogethimtoopenupimwrroiedhe-”

“Okay. Pause. Deep breath. Let’s try that again without the mumble core.”

“Wait, how do you know about mumble core?”

“I am kept abreast of popular culture.”

“Okay, palm pilot. Logan, I’m really really worried about Patton.”

“I see.” Logan said taking in this new information.

“Do you have any evidence to support this worry?”

“Well…its more of a… _feeling_.”

“Ugh. Feelings.”

“I tried to talk to him, and he seemed off.”

“That’s not unusual for him.” Logan smirked wryly.

“I’m serious Logan!”

“Okay.” Logan softened taking in the urgent tone of Virgil and his particularly dark eye makeup. He knew better than to not take him seriously.

“Can you give me anything a little more defined? Concrete?”

“We hardly ever see him anymore.”

Logan thought that over “That is true. Anything else?”

“I don’t know, Logan.” He exhaled frustratedly before he got an idea “I think you should talk to him.”

“Me? That’s not exactly my forte.”

“You’re logic. You can suss out patterns and inconsistencies. There are certain cues you could pick up on that I won’t. You pointed out before when I was using cognitive distortions or whatever! And noticed when I was anxious in Patton’s room.”

“Yes, but I didn’t have to infer that. You were forth coming about your thoughts in a way that Patton may not be-”

“Plus” Virgil continued anyway “You can stay objective and level headed. _Please._ If you don’t believe me, you have to see for yourself.”

“Alright. I will.”

////////////////////////////

Patton felt despondent as he soaked the dishes in the soapy hot water. Virgil had talked about grounding before and how it helped him. Normally, Patton found washing dishes quite meditative, the normally hyper side could take a moment to be present. He liked the feeling of the warm water, the soothing repetitive motion of scrubbing, and the smell of the soap. And best of all, it was something he did to help take care of his family. Today he hardly even noticed the temperature of the water turning his hands bright red.

Of course, Depression and Deceit had popped up beside him. At least he wasn’t so alone now.

Patton carried on with the task robotically until he picked up a knife from the sink and paused. He was transfixed by the way the light hit the blade, feeling the weight of the handle. He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly drawn to it, but he didn’t put it down.

“Look at that Patton. I wonder what you could do with it.” Depression purred innocently in his ear.

Deceit looked over at Depression warily, unsure where this was going.

“Aren’t you tired Patton?” Patton sighed still looking at the knife. He could feel the tiredness like a weight starting at his shoulders and dragging down all the way to the heels of his feet.

“Having to keep this up _every_ day after day.”

“Yeah but…I-I have too.” Patton tried weakly.

“Do you though? Wouldn’t it be easier to just… _stop_ everything? You could you know.”

“Yeah?” Patton swallowed still dazed, Deceit shifted next to him.

“You could just end it.”

“What?” Patton and Deceit chimed in at the same time now very alert.

“Something to add Deceit?” Depression turned to his colleague angrily.

“Oh yes, that’s a _great idea.”_ He said gritting his teeth and curling his yellow gloved hand into a fist.

“Thank you.”

“No- I.” He groaned pinching the bridge of his nose. “I would really _not_ like to talk to you alone right now.”

“Perfect because I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

Deceit rolled his eyes, he forgot to turn it off sometimes. He snapped his fingers and grabbed Mel dragging him across the kitchen.

“What the hell was that?” he hissed.

“I thought we were on the same page here.”

“You’ve gone from Debbie Downer to Edge Lord real quick.”

“ _I_ am solving the problem. Wasn’t Thomas’s morality holding you back?”

“I wouldn’t really put it that way; I don’t think that Patton is the only form of morality around here I-”

“Wasn’t he?” Depression insisted.

“Yesss.” Deceit answered begrudgingly.

“Right. And _I_ think his _feelings_ are holding him back. Wouldn’t it be better for Thomas if he didn’t feel anything?”

“Well-”

“Wouldn’t it be better for Patton, to end his heartbreak, to end his misery?”

“Mel-” Deceit started warningly.

“I mean what’s the point to anything, anyway right? You said it your self society is ‘absurd and terrifying.’”

“Saying we shouldn’t conform to arbitrary societal rules and mores is not the same thing as saying-”

“Isn’t it? If everything is a lie, then nothing means anything. We’re helpless.”

“That wasn’t meant to be defeatist, and even if I was espousing nihilism, that does not mean that the only answer is to self-destruct, in fact I was trying to argue-”

 “Then like I _tried_ to explain to you earlier, look at it this way; killing the heart is not a form of self-destruction but self-preservation.”

“By cutting off a limb?”  

“A necessary sacrifice. You’re the one that wanted to remove the _blind fold_ remember?”

Dee frowned.

“Patton is the blind fold! The only choice is to cut it out! The only escape is apathy, the only way out is death.”

“That…was literally so edgy I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything you just have to do your job.”

“What you’re saying is liesss.”

“Oh, and you would know.”

“Uh yeah” he gestured wildly at himself “it’s kind of my thing.”

“Listen this is not what I wanted. I just wanted Patton to have less control. To have him see reason, or by separating him from the group to have Thomas be less ruled by his harmful reasoning and _self-sacrifice_. I don’t want him gone completely.”

“Have you gone soft on me snake?”

 “ _I’m so impressed by your ability to not be a complete and utter moron_. I’m out of here.” Deceit sunk away in a huff.

Depression felt a surge of white-hot anger. He was hoping to be more strategic to take his time, but now he had no room for subtlety.

“Patton, you feel miserable right now don’t you.”

“What were you and Deceit fighting about back there, Stormy?”

“Patton, you need to hurt yourself right now.”

“What?” Patton asked alarmed.

“Do it!”

“I-”

“Patton?” Patton jumped at the sound of a new voice entering the kitchen. Mel was gone, well at least he was no longer physically manifesting himself.

“Oh, hey there Kiddo.”

“Were you talking to someone?”

“Oh. I was probably just talking to myself again, silly ol’ me.”

“Are you okay?” Logan looked between Patton’s face and the kitchen knife he currently had in a death grip. Patton looked down at the knife he was still holding and spun around to put it in the sink and collect himself. He clutched the counter, white knuckled, as he tried to stay steady.

“Fine and dandy! Is there something you needed Lo?”

“Hm. I suppose I should get right to the point. Virgil is rather concerned about you.”

“Virgil? Is he okay? Why would he be concerned about me? I’m super-duper!”

“Patton” Logan stepped closer.

“I love talking to you Teach, but I really do have a lot of dishes to finish up here. Please, tell Virgil I’m just fine and there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Falsehood.”

“Logan, _please_.”  Patton felt his throat get tight and his eyes start to prickle with tears. He really hoped his voice didn’t quiver when he spoke, but he needed to get out of there before he lost it.

He turned around quickly to make up an excuse and exit but Logan stopped him. Logan wasn’t the most adept at navigating demonstrative displays of affection, or emotions for that matter, but he knew the emotional side was comforted by physical closeness.

“Patton, please look at me. I believe you are communicating a number of falsehoods. It is not necessary for you to do so. In fact, being honest may be quite helpful. Virgil is worried about you” Logan cleared his throat “I…may also be, somewhat concerned as well.”

For a moment Patton wanted to be honest, he wanted to tell him everything. But he felt a pull from Depression summoning him to his room _“Logan’s lying, no one cares about you.”_

“Patton? When’s the last time you got an adequate night’s sleep?” Logan asked looking concerned at his face, physical signs of fatigue becoming apparent. How had he missed that? Logan chided himself. He could feel Patton shaking under his touch.

“You didn’t join us for dinner, did you even have a substantial meal today?”

“Maybe I just need a little shut eye and have some _sweet_ dreams of sugar plums, better be careful not to get a cavity though.” Patton laughed nervously.

“That doesn’t track logically. The images your brain produces during the REM cycle shouldn’t cause dental damage. Unless you grind your teeth when you sleep, I suppose.”

Patton smiled sadly at Logan, his chest constricting tightly with longing and affection.

“Gee you are so smart, Kiddo. Don’t you work too hard tonight. And don’t let the bed bugs bite!” 

“Wait, Patton.” But he was already sinking away.

Logan sighed. “You two can come in now, I know you’re listening.”

He opened the kitchen door and Roman and Virgil stumbled in almost falling on top of one another.

“Well I’d never!” Roman exclaimed defensively.

“You always.” Virgil countered.

“Anyway” Roman glared “I didn’t get to hear much of what you were saying. So, can you please once and for all tell Bob the Bummer over here that he is just being dramatic-”

“ _I’m_ being dramatic!?”

 “Patton is not a damsel in distress. He is fine!” Roman insisted. “Logan, tell him he’s just doing that cognitive disportions thing again.”

“It’s cognitive distortion. And, actually I am inclined to agree with Virgil.”

“HA! Wait- what?”

“I am not the best at interpreting emotions, however, given the evidence” Logan sighed adjusting his glasses. “Virgil’s worry in this case seems incredibly valid. I too am…concerned.”

Roman’s shoulders sagged taking that in.

“You really think there’s something wrong with him…but I hadn’t noticed anything really I-”

“Maybe if you didn’t have your head in the clouds all the time you might have noticed-”

“Now just you wait here _Nightmare on Blame street_ I’m not the one who-”

“Stop! Both of you. Fighting amongst ourselves will not help the situation or Patton.”

Roman crossed his arms defensively before sighing in resignation.

“You’re right. I’m sorry Virgil.”

Anxiety stuffed his hands further into his hoodie.  “Yeah, me too.”

“I’m just so...worried about Patton.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“I think we are all concerned. But at the moment we need to focus, pull our collective strengths together and formulate a plan.”

Roman and Virgil nodded solemnly, all three looking up at the stairs with a pit in their stomachs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Brief suggestion/ discussion of self harm, brief alcohol mention.  
> Deceit will be showing up again in the next chapter, I didn’t completely forget about him.  
> Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback; I appreciate it!
> 
> “My fear of being real, of being seen, paralyzes me into silence. I crave the touch and the connection, but I’m not always brave enough to open my hand and reach out. This is the great challenge: to be seen, accepted, and loved, I must first reveal, offer, and surrender.” -Anna White

Patton squeezed his eyes shut against the intrusive morning light flooding into his bedroom. His sleep schedule had been a mess lately. Depression either wanted him to sleep all day or to stay up all night, watching TV or staring at the celling ruminating about the past. He wanted to crawl under the covers and never come back up. Patton groaned at himself. _Why couldn’t he just stay positive? Why was he being so…pathetic._ It was like there was a pit in his chest that kept growing and he kept sinking further into himself. He felt utterly alone.

“I don’t know why I can’t just stop feeling this way.” Patton tugged on his hair frustrated as he sat up in bed.

“Maybe I can conjure up a remedy.” Depression slowly smiled though it never reached his eyes.

The exhausted side looked up to see a cloud of smoke around Mel’s head. Patton coughed and swatted his hand trying to dissipate the toxic fumes.

“Oh no mister, this is a no smoking zone.”

“Fine.” Mel pouted but vanished the cigarette none the less.

“How about this?” He conjured up a silver flask “Day drinking is always fun! Helps you forget.”

“No, Mel, Thomas and my friends would not want me doing this stuff. You need to put that away right now.”

The dark side seemed rather displeased for a moment, then he had a realization. it was the most gleeful Patton had ever seen him. Honestly, it was a little frightening.

Mel was suddenly very close to Morality on his bed with a little wooden box in his hand.

“Is that for me?” Patton’s face lit up touched by the apparent gift. “How thoughtful, Stormy! See you’re not just a gloomy goober; you actually care about me, don’t you?” It reminded him of the time that Virgil made him a card, or Logan gave him that cat sweater or Roman conjured up a puppy for him to hold. He shook his head trying to get rid of the memory, even the good ones hurt to think about now.

“Of course, I do. I’m always here for you.” A hand reached up to cup the others cheek, Patton could feel the cold through his glove, he couldn’t be bothered to mind it though.

Morality opened the little box with reverence, but his face fell when he looked at what it held.

“Um…What…what exactly is this for, Mel?” Patton didn’t want to be ungrateful or hurt Mel’s feelings, but he was confused.

“It will make you feel better.” Patton’s stomach sank as he stared at the small shiny razor.

“I-I don’t see how exactly…”

“Oh, don’t be naïve, _you know_.”

Patton slammed the lid shut and practically leaped off the bed as if it had burned him.

“No. No, absolutely not!”

“I thought you wanted to feel better?”

“Not like this! It’s not healthy!”

“Sometimes things that hurt us are good for us though. Isn’t it worth it if it improves our mood?”

“I-I don’t think so.”

“Alright. So, it’s _never_ good to do something that _some_ people may consider ‘destructive’ even though it feels good?”

“No!”

“But you’ve had Thomas do all sorts of unhealthy things because they felt good. Eating extra cookies, staying up late to re-watch the same TV show over and over, constantly putting other’s needs first.”

“That’s…not the same thing and you know it!” Patton was getting more and more flustered. 

“Isn’t it?”

“I can make myself feel better other ways.”  Patton resolutely tied his cardigan around his shoulders.

“Like how?”

_Oh. Like how._ “Um…I could talk to my friends.”

“But you don’t really want to do that. _Do you._ ” _They won’t understand, they’ll be mad, they’ll think you’re weak._

“I’ll do the things I normally enjoy doing!” But Depression was already talking over him much louder “Nothing feels the same anymore.”

“No. I’m done listening to you.”

“Oh, Patton that’s adorable. But you can’t just ignore me or will me away. I don’t work like that.”

Patton left his room determined, if a little shaky. But still in the back of his mind that doubt still grew.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“Good morning, Blink 180 boo!” Princey exclaimed as Anxiety shuffled in still half asleep in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajama bottoms.

“Dude, chill. It is too early.”

“Play nice you two.”  Patton admonished affectionately as he entered the Kitchen where the other sides were already gathered.

Roman, Virgil, and Logan all shared a tense knowing look.

The fanciful side cleared his throat “How you doing, padre?”

“I guess you could say I’m _egg-cellent_! _Cracking_ good! Sunny side up!” He said grabbing a pan from the cupboard. His eyes hurt and his head was pounding, the distance from his bed to the door had felt like mount Everest that morning. He just wanted to crawl back into bed, but he was already so behind schedule, and that meant the others would be eating breakfast later and-

“Patton-” Logan tried to interrupt the father figure’s sunny puns.

“Don’t worry kiddo I’m only _yoking_ with ya!”

“Stop!”

Patton froze, his stomach jumping up his throat.

“Just stop, Patton.”

“Stop what, Virge?” Patton tried his hardest to smile convincingly even as he heard his heart beat loudly in his ears.

“Lying to us.”

“I-I-I-” His hands were tingling, and he felt light headed. The corners of his vision were fuzzy for a moment as he felt the world tilt.

Roman caught him as he swayed, dangerously close to falling.

“Patton! Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy I suppose, no need to worry Kiddos.”

“That’s it, you’re sitting down. Roman help me bring him to the couch. Virgil, will you bring us a water bottle, a glass of juice, and a banana please.”

“Sure.” Virgil nodded thankful to be given a task.

As Roman and Logan were leading Patton to the living room he swayed again much to their alarm.

“Woah there Pooh Bear, I got ya.” Roman said steadying him despite Patton’s insistence that he was fine.

When they finally situated him on the couch, he knew they wanted an explanation.

“You know how I get over excited and a bit clumsy, I’m just a bouncing bubbly bumbler sometimes.” His laugh sounded high and thin even to his own ears. Deceit hadn’t been around as much lately which on one hand was a relief, but it also meant hiding his feeling from his friends had become more difficult. _Not just hiding, lying_ his mind supplied.

“Falsehood.”

“Patton.” Roman sighed. Virgil walked in buzzing with worry carrying the items Logan requested.

“Here sip this slowly.” Patton said thank you and obediently took the glass as Logan instructed.

“Now, what exactly is going on?” Logic crossed his arms. All three were staring at him expectantly, he didn’t know what to do. He felt trapped. He didn’t want to lie but he couldn’t bring himself to tell them the truth. He’s not sure he’d even know where to start. That creeping sense of panic that had become more familiar lately came over him.

_You’re disappointing them_

“We just want you to be okay, Pat.”

_They need you to be okay_                   

“We worry about you.”

_You cause them pain, you distract them, you’re a burden_

He felt Depression tug on him painfully. It all felt like too much.

“We have adventures to go on, Padre! You don’t want this funk you’re in to keep us from pursuing our dreams, do you?”

“I am running out of productive things to say. If you’re going to be unreasonable and needlessly difficult there’s nothing I can do. You’re just…impossible sometimes!”

A tense silence followed filling the space between the four of them.

“Pat-” Logan started immediately regretting his words.

“I’m sorry I worried you guys. But really, I’m okay. I uh… just been a little forgetful lately, I guess. But that’s not unusual hu?” He tried laughing “I must have skipped dinner last night or something, but it won’t happen again. And it won’t affect productivity around here, promise. Efficiency, creativity or or safety. I’ll try my best.” _Not good enough._ _Doesn’t matter they don’t need you. Get out of the way._ “Thank you…for everything but it’s all fine. Not just fine- super fantastic! I’m just gonna- work to do so! I’ll- see you kiddos later.” The words tasted sour in his mouth; his brain was screaming at him to run before the tears came.

After Patton sunk away Roman, Virgil, and Logan all avoided each other’s eyes, until Anxiety broke the silence.

“That’s not good guys. Like raging garbage fire not good.” Virgil said clearly stressed.

“No. That was not ideal at all.” Logan sighed. “I believe I have made an error. I hate being wrong.”

“It’s not just you. I shouldn’t have snapped in the kitchen like that. I was just scared or whatever for Patton.” Virgil conceded retreating more into his purple and black hoodie.

Logan nodded “I just have a difficult time when I-”

“Don’t understand. We get it.” Logan looked surprised at Roman. “Even I did less than Princely Perfect. Which is very rare for me.”

“Patton is always so good at supporting us. We’ll figure this out guys. I know we will.”

“Maybe…its time to talk to Thomas.”

//////////////

_You ruin everything, you always have, they think you’re stupid, you have nothing to contribute_

Patton fell into his room sobbing and trying to catch his breath; the guilt and panic were suffocating. “Okay, Stormy I’ll listen to you. Whatever you want. No more resistance, I just don’t want to feel this anymore. _Please._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there has been a lot of angst, but don't worry comfort is coming for everyone.
> 
> Also what do y’all think about Dr. Picani being in this fic? I’ve been thinking about it but I’m not sure yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you so much for the wonderful support and feedback I’ve been getting; I do really appreciate it! rowan2060 suggested (thank you by the way) that I make it a little worse before it gets better, and I couldn’t agree more.  
> I’m not super thrilled about this chapter. I really just needed a bridge to the chapter that will follow this one, but we’ll see how it all pans out.
> 
> TW: passive/non graphic suicidal ideation, and implied/referenced self-harm, again it’s not actually described but still it’s alluded too. Please, be safe. 
> 
> “I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything,  
> couldn’t do it anyway,  
> just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made  
> any sense, anything.” -Richard Siken

Patton would open his eyes in the morning and Depression would immediately whisper in his ear with a forlorn sigh “Oh. _Another_ day.”

Then one morning Patton woke up and before Depression could even say a word, he thought: _Oh. Another day_.

“You’re not good enough, Patton. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. Isn’t that right?”

Patton stared at the wall across from his bed his mouth dry and his body aching.

“Yes.” He whispered flatly.

“Yes, what?”

“I’m not good enough.” Depression pulled him closer.

His thoughts had started to turn darker and darker, and it became more difficult to distinguish his own internal monologue from Depression’s voice. He stopped resisting it.

He would day dream about falling into a black hole and the peacefulness that would come from the cool darkness and feeling weightless. He thought about what it would be like to be swallowed by the ocean like a slow drunk blink. And what if he took a nap one day and just slept for a very very long time. He didn’t actually want to _do_ any of these things. He knew they were just fantasies and the reality of doing something like that would be much _much_ different and scary. Initially, part of him had suspected it wasn’t healthy to be thinking of things like that, but he found it more and more difficult to keep his mind from drifting there.

Patton sat on the edge of his bed, his fingers twitching nervously in his duvet as he stared at his bedside table.

“I don’t know why you torture yourself like this, Patton. You know it makes you feel better, just do it.” _We both know you always give in anyway_.

He shook his head biting his lip “I-I don’t need it today.” It didn’t sound convincing to either of them.

Things had been tense around the mindscape since their big ‘confrontation’. Yesterday felt particularly bad; there was a bunch of work for all of them to do with Thomas’s latest video and a big audition he had been excited (and nervous) for, for a while. And then Patton had to go and be a big clumsy idiot and break one of Roman’s favorite cups and startle Virgil, and interrupt Logan’s work in the process. He had wanted to make Roman hot chocolate as a treat while he went over his lines, but Patton couldn’t do anything right it would appear. All of them had real jobs and real stresses to deal with and he just got in the way. All they needed from him was to put on a brave face; they could not afford him breaking down right now. And yet here he was barely holding it together.

Patton took a deep breath in through his nose. He relented reaching for the drawer he knew held the small wooden box Mel gave him.

“There you go, big boy. After that, clean up, wipe your eyes and let’s get going, you know the drill. Oh…and don’t forget to wear your cardigan.” Depression grinned at the last reminder as if he were telling a delightful joke.

/////////////////////////////

“Guys. We’ve waited long enough. We _have_ to tell Thomas today that somethings up with Pat, no more excuses.”

Roman sighed “I hate to say it, but I think I agree with Manic Panic over here.”

“Jokes on you, that’s a great hair dye.” Virgil mumbled back.

 “Patton did say he was fine...” Logan countered.

“You can’t believe that! He’s been acting even more distant lately. When he thinks no one is looking, he looks so…lost and sad.” Roman nodded solemnly in agreeance.

“He’s also jumpier than usual. He thinks he’s being subtle, but I know he’s avoiding being touched. _Patton_. The freckin personification of a hug! Shying away from me just brushing against his arm!” The hypervigilant side exclaimed.

“Alright.” Logan relented “I suppose you’re right. Thomas wanted to meet with us this afternoon anyway.”

////////////////////

“Hey, Guys! Oh…Where’s Patton?”

“That’s actually what we need to talk about.”

“Really? Oh, um. Okay. Is there something wrong…?” Thomas looked between the three of them confused.

“Shouldn’t we call Patton here first? I mean we can’t exactly talk about him behind his back.” Virgil bit out glaring.

“We’re not even standing behind him right now so I don’t know how we would be doing that.” The literal side said confused.

“That’s not what I meant-”

“What are you guys talking about?” Thomas tried again when suddenly a familiar bowler hat rose up in Patton’s spot.

“Hello, _I sincerely hope I’m not interrupting anything_.”

“Dear Neptune’s trident!”

“Ah, this guy again.”

“I am not pleased with this development.”

“Fantastic.” Thomas sighed.

“You guys really know how to roll out the red carpet for a guy don’t you. Ugh. _Although I have complete confidence your ability to figure it out on your own_ , I am here to help.”

“Sure, like a knight in shining…Lies!” Roman raised his hands valiantly like he nailed it.

“ _Good one.”_ The dark side rolled his eyes.

“What do you want Deceit?” Thomas asked impatiently. This could not become like, a regular thing; _maybe I should have just done a ‘draw my life’ for today’s video_.

“I’m here to tell you, that I’m not the only snake in the grass.” He said cryptically with a sly grin.

Deceit was met with blank stares; he rolled his eyes and elaborated.

“There’s a dark side you haven’t met yet and his name is…” He paused to build up the tension “Mel!” Deceit threw his head back and laughed dramatically. The rest of them looked around confused.

“Yeah okay I guess the name reveal is not that dramatic. He’s Depression.” When that information elicited a stronger response, he rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in an _of course_ gesture.

“I have a depressed side? Wow. That’s…not good.” Thomas said concerned.

Virgil groaned starting to become more anxious.

“Well no not exactly. However, applying a value judgment such as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ may not be all that helpful either. Depression is fairly common; many people will experience at least one depressive episode in their life times. It is the most common mental health condition in the United States.” Logan explained. Looking at the facts made the new upsetting information easier to process for him.

“So, he’s just a little sad? We can cheer him up!” Roman declared with his Princey confidence.

“Depression is not the same thing as sadness, Roman. Sadness is a normal and healthy human emotion. It becomes a problem when it starts negatively impacting a person’s ability to function in different areas and their overall quality of life.”

“But nothing bad has really happened lately right? I mean you guys have all been good?”

“Depression can have many variables and may look different for different people. Yes, it can be triggered by a major life event, change, or loss, all concepts which are subjective by the way. However, it can also be influenced by genetics, biology, environment and temperament. For some it is temporary, most people with major depressive disorder experience a reduction of symptoms within a year. Whereas for others, it is a long term or even life long struggle.”

“I don’t know this all sounds really… _scary._ ” Thomas and Virgil finished the sentence at the same time.

“Yes, for many it can be, and that’s valid. But it is important to keep in mind that for most people depression is incredibly treatable.”

 Thomas took a deep breath trying to process everything.

“Wow. Way to drive us straight into bummer town.” Roman deadpanned.

“No, I’m glad I know all of that now, but I’m still a little confused…So, I have a side who’s depressed?”

“No no. Mel isn’t depressed, he _is_ Depression. You’re little pally wally is depressed.” Deceit chimed in.

“Who…”

“Oh my gosh. Are you all that oblivious; I know it’s easy for _me_ to deceive you but that’s because I’m a Master of Deception TM. Havn’t you noticed any changes in _Mr. Brightside_?”

Pause. “ _Patton_?”

“I’m not sure there are dots that require less connecting. But apparently you all need me to hold your hand. So yes, _Patton_.”

They all felt their hearts sink; their friend was suffering, probably even more than they originally thought. The three of them may have had trouble expressing it, but that didn’t mean they didn’t care about one another.

“How do we know you’re not lying? Or working with Depression!?”

“Please. I’m done playing Blues Clues with that handy dandy zero. It’s like being stuck in the first half of a Zoloft commercial.”

“Well I think we could be a little more sensitive-” Thomas began.

“My point is. If you don’t deal with the infestation now, its going to get worse. _Do_ say I didn’t warn you. Ta!”

“That’s it we’re gonna bring up Patton and sort this whole thing.” Thomas said exasperated and a little guilty. “Patton.” He called.

Nothing.

The other three sides tried to summon him, but they were met by silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The information Logan gives on Depression in this chapter was mostly from .gov websites and the DSM 5. I am not a qualified mental health professional so if you’re curious I would definitely do your own research. Thanks again, take care!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pleasantly surprised by the awesome responses and feedback I’ve been getting, so thank you so much! 
> 
> Sorry about the later update, this chapter gave me a bit of a hard time, plus you know life stuff, school, and work etc. 
> 
> TW Nothing explicit but still the general themes of hopelessness and depression that have been throughout this story are here.

There was a memory of a field Patton liked to visit often, when he needed a moment. Patton loved to spend as much time as possible with his family but sometimes he just needed a soft place to land.

He would walk through the tall green grass that came up to his ankles, like wading through the ocean. He would sit under the warm sun and close his eyes, and smell the orange blossoms and the beautiful wild flowers. Sometimes he’d watch the blue birds nest in the trees and feed them crumbs. It was as if everything there were happy to see him. The breeze rustling through the trees would whisper sweet nothings. There cradled in the earth he felt safe. Patton would lay down staring up at the clouds in the open blue sky and stretch his fingertips and toes as far as he could and he’d know, _I’m exactly where I need to be_.

Patton hadn’t visited his special place in a while.  He thought today was the day he needed to go back. He wished he hadn’t.

The memory had warped somehow. Patton now stood in a field of brown and yellow; dead grass and wilted flowers. The trees were bare and empty. And though the sun still shined bright… he couldn’t feel it.  Shock then grief come over him like a creeping sting then settled heavy in his stomach.

“It really is hopeless isn’t it?” Patton said a loud for the first time.

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Came a familiar response from behind.

Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be here, maybe he wasn’t supposed to be anywhere. Patton felt unbearably cold in the sunshine.

///////////////////////////////////

“What the heck?”

“Oh god…what if something really bad happened to him what if-”

“We’ll just have to go find him them!” Roman straightened his sash with determination.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Anxiety mumbled darkly.

“You have a bad feeling about everything.”

“Fair enough.”

“Don’t worry Thomas we’ll fix this.” Princey declared.

“Maybe. Let’s not jump the gun here.” Logan corrected.

“Not helping, Specs.”

“I’m just trying to be as accurate as possible-”

“Guys, focus!” 

“Right. Off we go.” Thomas wished them luck uncertainly.

/////////////

Patton wasn’t sure how long after returning he had laid on his side staring at the wall. His cheek was pressed against the carpet as tears he wasn’t even aware of slid down his face. He felt hollowed out; _no hope_. At some point Depression must have slid him the small box. He turned it over in his hands, running his thumb over the grain in the wood, before sitting up. But as soon as he opened the lid, he felt a sharp tug.

Frowning Patton stood up on shaky legs.

“Where are you going?”

“They’re calling me, Thomas must need something.”

“I think they can manage without you.”

“They might worry.” Patton bit his lip.

Depression laughed and laughed and eventually Patton just slumped back down to the floor wishing the world away.

///////////////////////////////

“Woah. What happened?”

Roman, Logan, and Virgil looked around Patton’s room in shock. The soft warm hazy hue, like an old polaroid, that had normally permeated the space was gone. It was now grey, cold, and sickly looking; the ache was palpable in the thick air. The clock on the wall ticked by slowly as if winding through molasses. Claustrophobic and somehow empty at the same time.

Patton’s room had always been filled with stuff, but it all had a logical (or at least logical to Patton) place; what was once organized chaos was now just chaos. Old pictures and journals were strewn about haphazardly and half stuffed into drawers. More than all the changes though the strangest thing about the room was who was missing.

“That’s odd.”

“Hey, Padre? Are you in here?”

“Patton? Come on Pops, you’re making us nervous.”

Just as they moved further in looking for their friend, Depression rose up in front of them, his greasy fringe almost completely obscuring his eyes.  

Roman had let out a high-pitched scream then quickly cleared his throat.

“Slay this fiend!” Depression gave Roman an unimpressed look.

“Oh, what a displeasure it is too finally meet all of you.”

“Likewise.” Logic glared.

Virgil hissed at the dark side, which Mel only seemed slightly affronted by.

“Where’s Patton?” Logan crossed his arms.

“Sorry Patton can’t come to the phone right now he’s dead.”

“WHAT!?”

“Tired. Dead tired. See what I did there?”

“How dare you use TSwift to scare us!”

“That’s it. I’m gonna fight him.” Virgil said matter of fact, but Logan put out his arm to keep him from moving forward.

“I highly advice you to step out of our way.”

“Or what, Calculator Watch? It’s too late for him, nothing can be done.”

“Who are you to decide that?”

“For starters I’m Patton’s only friend.”

They were about to argue when they caught sight of Patton stepping out from around a corner and walking up behind Mel. Their relief was short lived as he got closer. His eyes were puffy and red rimmed, his cheeks tear stained. He was obviously nervous by the way he fidgeted with the sleeves of his cardigan.

“Hey, Kiddos! What are you doin in here?” He asked attempting to sound his peppy self.

“Patton! Are you okay?  What happened?”

“That’s a _pattonly_ absurd question! I’m doing just fine!” He laughed then added a little softer “I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“Patton, please. Talk to us.”

“Some things are too shameful to talk about.” Mel interjected.

“Falsehood. Patton, silence makes things worse. There is no shame in asking for help. We want to help.”

“Why would he believe you when your lives are so much better without him.”

“That’s not true, we need him.” Patton’s eyes grew wide in surprise.

“ _To make actual contributions once in a while?”_

“What?” Roman questioned confused.

“Isn’t that what you said, Princey?” When no one responded Mel continued.

“Or how about that he’s _needlessly silly, a dolt, or a moron_.”

“We didn’t mean those things.” Virgil defended getting more upset.

“Didn’t you?”

“Answering everything with rhetorical questions is hardly sound argumentation.” Logan shifted his focus back to Patton imploringly “Patton, we need you.”

“ _To be more_.” Mel added but was quickly corrected.

“To be you.”

“And that doesn’t always mean happy. It means all of you, just as you are.”

“No matter what your feeling or going through.”

“No matter what mistakes you make.”

“We want you here.”

“We’ll be there.”

“Just like you love and accept us.”

Patton stared in open shock, his bottom lip trembling, he felt completely overwhelmed by his friends outpouring.

“Don’t listen to them Patton they’re all lying.” Depression turned around to face Patton franticly. “You’re worthless, aren’t you?”

“…Yes.” Patton responded looking down.

“Yes what?”

“I’m worthless.”

“There see-”

“But-” He started hesitantly.

“I told you-wait. What?”

“But… _they_ don’t seem to think I am.” Patton said softly looking up to make watery eye contact with his friends.

“You don’t actually believe them do you.”

“Well no. Not really. But maybe…maybe I could. Eventually. Maybe there’s a possibility that I’m wrong.  Maybe that’s enough for now.” Patton rubbed the back of his neck.

“I love them and trust them. They’re _my family_ , and I’ve already lied to them for so long-” his voice caught in his throat.

“Maybe it is selfish, but I don’t want to be away from them anymore.” Patton ended with more confidence that he had had in a long while.

Virgil, Logan, and Roman all held out a hand towards Patton. Morality took a deep breath and after a moment started to walk forward.

Before he could make it, Depression grabbed him by the arm. Hard.

“Are you sure about this, _Kiddo_. What about your little _secret_?” He dug his fingers in harder, the leather of his gloves straining against his knuckles. “What will they think about you when they find out hm?”

“Let go of him!” Virgil asserted firmly, surprising Logan and Roman.

Doubt flashed across Patton’s eyes and Depression thought for sure he had him back. The other three held their breath.  

“Let go of me.”

Their hearts leapt in their chests.

“Fine.” Depression relented letting Patton drop to the ground. “But I’ll be back. You’re broken now Patty, beyond repair, don’t forget you’re mine. _The sadness will last forever_.” Mel sunk away.

“Oh my god, Patton.” The three of them ran forward. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like the boys are not out the woods yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this story is going to end up being about 8 or 9 chapters.  
> Thank you all so much for continuing to read and for your kind and thoughtful words!!  
> TW Panic attack, brief and very vague allusion to self-harm towards the end.

Virgil got on his knees in front of Patton who now had his legs tucked under his chin and was hyperventilating. It was just now hitting him. They knew. There was no going back. The thing he had been trying so hard to hide had been exposed; his worst fear had been them finding out and now they did. 

“Hey. Hey Pat, look at me please.” Virgil said in a tone that was gentle but firm. Roman and Logan stood close by watching somewhat helplessly.

“We’re gonna breath together okay. Just follow me.” Virgil proceeded to guide the panicking side in breathing in for 4, holding for 7, and out for 8. It took Patton a couple of tries but eventually he was able to follow, and his breathing slowed down. His hand tingles and he still felt shaky but at least he could breathe again.

“Good. You did great Popstar.” Patton looked down at his lap refusing to make eye contact. When Virgil asked him again, in a voice that was far too kind, to look at him, Morality broke. A gasping sob came out and his shoulder started to shake, all the pent-up guilt and fear and sadness he’d been holding breaking through.

“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked, he took in another hiccupping breath and continued to sob.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry.”

“Oh Pat. We know, it’s okay.” It was the most heart wrenching thing the other three sides had seen.

Patton just continued to shake his head and apologize as if he were stuck in a loop. Of all the things he wanted to say all he could manage was _I’m sorry_ over and over. Patton felt the weight of the words so much it was a physical ache. He wished he could tell them all of it, his regret his shame. They seemed to understand none the less.

A pair of arms in a large soft hoodie wrapped around him, loose and tentative at first to give him a chance to pull away. When he didn’t object, they held him tighter and brought him closer.

Virgil looked up at Roman and Logan, to find similar heartbroken expressions on their faces, as if to say _what are gonna do?_

Eventually Roman got down on Patton’s other side and wrapped his arms around him. Tentatively and somewhat awkwardly Logan bent down in front of the crying man and put his hand on his shoulder.

Virgil ran his fingers through Patton’s hair and when the sobbing had finally quieted down to sniffles, he said:

“That’s it. Just breath. We do have to talk about this eventually, Pat.” He felt the other side stiffen in his arms, so he quickly added “But not right now. Tonight, you just need to get some sleep.” 

A little later Roman carried down a softly snoring Patton to the couch in the living room. Logan draped a cat blanket he had grabbed off the foot of Patton’s bed over him. They decided it was best for their friend to sleep on the couch for the night instead of alone in his room given its current state.

/////////////////

Virgil, Roman, and Logan talked in hushed tones around the kitchen counter. They stared desperately into their hot chocolates and tea as if they would produce an answer.

“What do we do now?”

“I…do not know.” Logan confessed.

“Any suggestions?”

“Oh! I’ll build him something to cheer him up, something made of glitter, a castle, a glitter castle!”

Roman ducked down and popped back up covered in red glitter and holding glue and construction paper in his arms.

“That will never get out of the carpet.” Logan deadpanned.

“Don’t breathe it in you don’t want to get glitter lung.”

“Okay, I’m Barba Streisand and you are seriously Raining on My Parade right now.” He put his hands on his hips.

“That’s a great start Roman and it’s a good idea” Virgil tried to assure. “But… I think it’s going to take a little more than that.”

“Yeah. I know.” Roman sat the supplies down on the counter resigned.

“How did he get here? I mean, what happened?”

“Well, Patton does have a tendency to cover up his less than pleasant feelings.” Logan pointed out.

“That’s true.”

“And we’ve seen what happens when he stays too long in his room, when he’s not feeling well.”

“Isolating himself probably didn’t help.”

“And…I’m sure some of the ways we’ve treated him haven’t been that helpful either.” Virgil added morosely. They all got quite for a moment considering.

“One’s esteem can be wounded when they feel like their work isn’t enough.” Roman broke the silence.

“And it can be discouraging not to be taken seriously.” The logical side reflected.

“Or to not be included and accepted for who you are.” Virgil sighed.

“Being overly criticized or being criticized in a way that’s not constructive can be a lot of pressure.”

“Not being listened to, being condescended too.”

“All of that can make it difficult for a person to feel safe or wanted.” Virgil concluded.

“I do not like being wrong.” Logan took off his glasses to rub his eyes.

“Yeah, we kind of messed some things up. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do better moving forward.”

They sat in a contemplative and content silence until Roman looked up, something suddenly occurring to him.

“What do you suppose Iced Depresso was talking about when he said Patton had a secret?”

“Perhaps he was just referring to Patton’s current emotional state.”

“I don’t know…I have a feeling it’s something more.” Virgil said with a sinking unease.  

/////////////////////////////////

The next morning, they allowed Patton to sleep in while they tried to figure out how they were going to start the overdue conversation.

They were drinking coffee in the kitchen when a very timid looking Patton shuffled in.

“Hey, Kiddos.” He smiled though it lacked its usual wattage.

The other three exchanged awkward tense looks. Patton swallowed _god, I’ve ruined everything, everythings going to be weird and different-_.

“Good morning, Patton.”

“Good morning, Lo. Well…I guess I should start breakfast.” He was about to make a dad joke but was interrupted.

“Actually, I think we should probably talk first.”

“Oh.” Patton’s face fell. “Alright.” They looked at him expectantly.

 “I…don’t really know what to say to be honest…”

“Well then we’ll start.” Logan gestured for Patton to take seat with the rest of them around the counter.

Roman cleared his throat preparing to go first.

“Patton. Even though I am the most charming, talented, brave, handsome-”

“Princey.”

“Uhm right. I couldn’t do what I do without you.” He concluded sincerely.

“You serve an important function in our group Patton. There have been many times when your contributions have been crucial to us solving or dealing with issues and critical junctions in Thomas’s life. You have an emotional intelligence that I…can…sometimes…struggle with myself.” Roman and Virgil nodded in agreement.

“You always see the best in people Pat, even me when no one else did.”

“What do you mean “ _even me_ ” mister, you are smart, talented, incredible-” Patton stated in his no-nonsense dad voice he got when he was proud of one of them or they started to talk bad about themselves.

“Yeah, Pat I get it.” Virgil blushed.

“Patton, we need you. More than that, we want you here with us. Not just because of what you do for us and Thomas but because of who you are.”

“We’re sorry if we made you feel undervalued.”

Patton’s heart beat fast; he didn’t know what to say.

He wanted to open up to them. He wanted to explain how he felt, how he had been feeling but It seemed that muscle had atrophied. The words seemed so rusted and useless from being locked in that dark place inside of him for so long. Patton didn’t even know how to start. How to find and arrange the right words and how to force them past the lump in his throat. Immediately dismissing any thought, he might share as stupid or inadequate. The chasm between his heart and mouth stretched further by fear and self-doubt.  

Logan frowned as Patton clearly struggled not to cry.

“I don’t understand did we say something wrong?”

“No! No, not all. It’s just-”

Anything he might say seemed insufficient to articulate how overwhelmed and guilty and thankful he felt. So, what he said instead was

“Thank you. All so much I-” he swallowed and blinked fast trying to keep the moisture at bay. “ _Thank you_.”

“We need you to tell us what’s been going on Patton.”

“I- I thought you guys already figured out-”

“We need to hear it from you. Tell us what’s been going on, how you’ve been. Honestly.”

Patton slowly started to unfold. Telling them how it had begun as a small doubt, some lingering sadness. And grew and grew. About Depression following him everywhere, the insecurity. Why he had lied to them. He left out some of his darker thoughts still too afraid to share those things. It would take time.

“Thank you, for telling us that Patton.”

“Yeah, man, that was seriously brave.” Virgil commended.

“Oh. One more thing. What did that creep mean when he said you had a secret?”

Patton froze. He didn’t know what to do. The urge to lie again or run was strong, but he knew he couldn’t do that to them again. He felt stuck.

Morality had already told them so much. He knew it was an odd thing to feel, but it was as if he were losing something. They had been heavy and painful secrets he had been keeping all his own, but they had still been his. And this one seemed almost too much to give. To allow the people he cared about to see the worsts parts of himself. It was terrifying.

He also knew that once they found out they’d make him stop. He’d be losing a security blanket. He knew it was bad _he knew_ but still.

Would they be angry with him? Disgusted? Hurt?

“Hey, Pat, remember to breathe buddy.” Morality nodded at Virgil trying to calm himself down before he started to panic again.

“Looks like you’ll be putting me out of a job pretty soon.” Virgil joked weakly trying to ease the tension.

“Never, Virg. No one could replace you.”

“Patton.” Logan gently refocused him.

“Right. I…don’t think I can make myself say it out loud.”

Logan seemed ready to argue so he continued quickly:

“I. I might be able to show you. But…I don’t know if you want me too-”

“We have to know. No more hiding, Padre remember?”

Patton nodded. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears; shaking fingers gripped the sleeve of his cardigan.

No going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t resist a little bit of a cliff hanger. No matter how small the cliff lol. I really hope everyone still seems in character and makes sense in this chapter.  
> Thanks again!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all have been amazingly supportive, and I really appreciate it. I hope this ending is somewhat satisfying. It’s a little challenging to write a happy ending when you’re feeling a bit blue yourself. Ah well, just like Patton I’ll be okay. I hope you all are being patient and kind to yourselves no matter what’s going on in your lives.   
> TW non descriptive implication of self harm
> 
> Thanks again!

Patton took a deep breath and pushed up the sleeves of his cardigan. He had his eyes closed; he wasn’t ready to look at their faces yet. There was a sharp intake of breath that let him know they had seen.

“Oh, _Patton_.”

“What…what happened?”

“Did Depression do this to you?” Patton shook his head eyes still squeezed shut.

Virgil looked at him sadly. “No. He did it. Didn’t you?”

Patton finally opened his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand.” Logan stared intently at Morality confused.  

“Let’s get you cleaned up. We don’t want anything to get infected.”

Roman nodded in agreeance deciding to help Virgil.

Logan stood there upset and confused.

“But…this doesn’t make logical sense! Why on earth would you do something so reckless and-”

“Logan.” Virgil interrupted him. “Come on I think you need a minute.” The anxious side gently guided him into the living room, while Roman stayed to finish up with Patton.

“What the hell Lo? I know this is… a lot. But flipping out on Patton won’t help. He already feels bad.”

“I just don’t understand why anyone would do… _that_.” He huffed frustratedly.

Virgil’s expression softened.

“You know quite a lot about psychology, Logan. You know people sometimes do self-destructive things to feel better. It’s not healthy, or good but…everyone does the best they can with what they have, to cope in the moment. And for whatever reason this helped Pat cope. Now, we can help him find better healthier ways.”

“I just…” Virgil could see Logan struggling with the emotion he claimed not to have.

“We’re all here for each other, Lo. I’m sure Patton would help you understand if you ask in a nonjudgmental way. He’s still the supportive puff ball we love. Just right now…he needs our support back.”

“I just hate the idea of him hurting so much that…I feel out of my depth here.” This was not an issue he could solve with a schedule or flow chart.

“I know. Me too. But your skills are needed right now. You can help us research and better educate ourselves on these issues, and things like having a consistent sleep schedule really do help with mood. Plus, Patton loves you, you just being there is more than enough for him.”

Logan took a determined breath in and adjusted his tie.

“Thank you, Virgil.”

“No prob Pocket Protector. But don’t let it get around that I’ve gone soft or anything. I know where you sleep.” Logan laughed and assured Virgil his secret was safe with him.

/////////

“He didn’t mean any of that Padre, he was just…surprised.” Roman pulled out a beige band-aid and scowled. They had to have some Disney princess band aids somewhere in their first aid kit.

“I know. That’s fair. This why I didn’t want to tell you guys, it’s too much to put on you all-”

“Hey. We’re here because we want to be. If it was too much, we’d tell you. Plus, I’m a prince it’s my duty!” He smiled finally finding a purple Rapunzel band aid.

“It’s not your job to fix this, Roman.” Patton said seriously, his paternal concern showing.

Roman got uncharacteristically serious “I know. But I’m also you’re friend. And while you’re right, I can’t fix this.” _As much as I’d like too._ “I will be here to support you however I can. I believe in you Pat. Thomas’s dreams would be nothing without his strong trusty heart.”

Patton bit his trembling lip, touched by Roman’s words. “I don’t feel very strong.” He chuckled wetly.

“I know.” Roman squeezed his hand. “But you will. You will get through this.”

“And you won’t have to do it alone.” The two looked up at the sound of Logan’s voice as he and Virgil reentered the kitchen.

“I apologize Patton for how I reacted earlier.”

“Oh, Kiddo. You don’t have to apologize for that. I completely understand.”

Logan smiled at the paternal side.

“Thank you all so much for…for everything. For standing up for me, for being understanding about-” he gestured at his arms.

“We do still need to talk about that Patton and figure out the best course of action.” He nodded in nervous agreement.

“Are those Disney Band-Aids?” Logan asked suddenly “What kind of frivolous nonsense-”

Patton smiled at his family as their banter faded into the background. It felt like coming home.

_“Excuse you! Tangled is not frivolous-”_

_“I don’t know why we can’t have more Nightmare Before Christmas-”_

Maybe things were going to be okay after all.

/////////////////////

 There were setbacks and dark days. Depression tried to come back a few times, but Patton got better at not believing the things he said. He didn’t try to run from or embrace him; he was no longer scared. Patton just reminded himself of the ways in which Depression could lie.

Patton also got better at not pushing down his feelings.

One day he finally went back and sat in his empty meadow and cried. And cried.

Whatever he was feeling he’d go, and he’d sit and without judgment let the feelings wash over him like waves. And it was painful and difficult at first. Some days were harder than others. But eventually the strangest thing happened. The grass started growing again.

/////////////////////////////////////

“Hey there Pattycake, you ready for Family Fun Feature Film Friday!”

“I still don’t know why we had to call it that?” Virgil groaned from the couch.

“Because alliteration, that’s why, Buzz Killington.”

“Just be thankful we didn’t stick with Patton and Roman’s original idea of Fantastic Fanciful Family Fun Friday Featuring Family Friendly Films in Forts-”

“Actually” Patton blushed a little shyly “I was wondering if we could do something a little different today, kiddos.”

Patton held up the picnic basket he was holding behind his back.

“There’s something I would like to show you all.”

The three exchanged a look before shrugging and nodding.

Once they had agreed to go and were all ready, they huddled up for Patton to take them to this secret place. He paused nervously.

“What’s up Patton?” Virgil asked sensing the other’s anxiety.

“I just-” he bit his lip “You promise not to laugh?”

Virgil furrowed his brows “Yeah. I mean we make fun of each other for a lot of stuff. But this is important to you.”

“I highly doubt what you have to show us is humorous.”

Feeling emboldened Patton closed his eyes and popped them into his happy place.

///////////////////////

They sat in the meadow on checkered blankets Patton had brought for them. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves. Logan had even set down his book and Virgil his headphones just to take in the beauty and calm around them and spend time together. Even if they wouldn’t admit it.

“As much as I hate sunlight and nature and-”

“Fun” Roman said slipping a flower crown he had woven out of daises onto his head.

Virgil glared back, then continued to Patton “This is pretty cool, Pat. Thanks for bringing us.”

“Yes. This is a perfectly adequate way to spend time.” Logan smiled.  

His friends laughing around him he couldn’t help but smile too. Things weren’t perfect but he didn’t need them to be. _He_ didn’t need to be perfect. Things wouldn’t always be easy; he may have some setbacks, but he believed in his ability to move through them. He knew his family would always be there to support him just like he supported them. He would practice reaching out and accepting the hands that reached back.

The flowers wouldn’t always be in bloom or he wouldn’t always be able to enjoy them even if they were. But he had hope now that even when he didn’t, he would again eventually. He would just be thankful for the times he did smell the orange blossoms. And he would no longer neglect the grass the rain it needed to grow.

Patton took in a deep breath of the crisp summer air. He fell back in the grass staring up at the clouds in the open blue sky and stretched his fingertips and toes as far as he could and he knew, _I’m alive, and that’s good._ He felt the sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading.


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